The Scientist...

Today as I write I don't even really know where to start.  As I sit here, Annie is sitting right next to me watching me type.  I think she knows I am having "one of those days".  She always knows.  She has been with me thru the fire, and can tell when I am off.  On those days, she doesn't leave my side.  Really, the only thing that explains my feelings today is the song by Coldplay called "The Scientist".  Here are the lyrics....this pretty much sums it up.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start

So there is my story for the day, and I am OK with that.  I have to be ok with it because it is a part of me, and the last 5 years are not going to go away.  I am having one of those days where I have been reflecting again on the past and what actually happened with Jason and I.  I know it has been since September since we have actually been together, and I thought that these days were over with, but I was blind sided today when I started crying while watching "A Perfect Storm" (this was one of mine and Jason's favorite movies).  I am sure I will be "blindsided" a lot when it comes to my past.  And I am sure feelings will come up from time to time.  Today was one of those.  It is so hard living with someone and being with them every single day for 5 years....to nothing.  Not seeing them, talking, texting, NOTHING.  It is the weirdest feeling, I can't explain.  I almost want to see how he is doing and make sure he is ok.  Sometimes I wish he could be in my life in some way.  We went thru so much together, I don't know how I will ever fully get over that experiece.  The last few months I have had a lot of distractions.  In my last post I mentioned a guy that I let go of, and then I have also been seeing someone else for a couple months.  We are friends, but it is still a distraction.  I have eliminated both of them romantically in my life, and now I have no distractions.  Today I felt like the last few months I made no progress and I cried all day.  I am facing it again, and I have nothing to keep my mind occupied.  When will this go away?  Last weekend I went to Tsumani to have sushi with my dear friend Melissa, and all I could think about was Jason.  We went there literally twice a week, and went to the movie theater that is in the same parking lot every Sunday to see a movie.  I had to force back tears the whole dinner.  I asked my friend this questions that night and she was just as stumped as I am...."What happens to couples?  How do you go from being so happy for a couple years, then it all goes away?  What is the trigger?"  She couldn't answer this either.  It is something that I think about a lot though and can't answer.  That is something that I need to deal with.  Not having answers to every question.  Everything happens for a reason, and there are not answers to every question.  All I know is today I am hurting, bad.  I feel so lost, and I don't know where my life is going at times.  The only thing I am sure of is I love my dog, I have an amazing family, I love my job, and I want to be a nurse.  that is all.  Anyway, I hope this post brings you all well.

Amelia

PS....here is Annie watching me type....I love my girl.

Catch up!!

Ah!!  I can't believe it's been a month since I have written.  So much has happened, my life feels so sureal sometimes.  Its been good though.  I love the things I have been accomplishing and I am so grateful to be alive.  Especially with the job that I have.  Life is so much more meaningful to me.  I don't take any moment for grantid. 

The last month has been good though.  Annie and I are very close to moving out!!!!  My friend Melissa and I are going to be renting a home together.  We have been to see a couple, but haven't nailed anything down yet.  We are looking for a 4-5 bedroom home with 2 bathrooms.  I would rent the basement and hope to have 2 bedrooms in the basement, one to do my esthetics.  I can't wait.  :)  I want to have an extra room to do facials, waxing, chemical peels, etc.  It will be a good way for me to make money and also to practice this talent that I have learned.

Although the past month has been amazing, it has had its ups and downs.  I got rid of someone in my life that I knew I needed too.  Although I love this person very much, the timing is just not good, and this person needs to figure out what they want in life.  I felt myself getting so attached to someone again, when at this point in my life I shouldn't be getting attached to anyone.  I have a very long past with this person though, so it is so hard to quit him.  But, I know I needed too.  I hate that it had to end kind of badly, but I ended up getting angry and getting emotions out of myself that maybe I had been feeling for the past five years.  Ugh I wish I could just find a guy that was emotionally and physically available!!!!  Its ok though.....I know I will find my prince. :) My prince could still be this certain person....who knows.  Time will only tell.

Annie has completely gone off the deep end with her potty training.  In Billings, I had her almost completely trained.  She would maybe have an accident once every couple weeks.  Since we got back to Utah its like she is a new puppy.  We are back to puppy pads and training treats.  I feel so bad that she has had so many accidents in my parents house.  Only a few more weeks here though, then its down to business. 

So....I am going to the Dominican Republic May 8th-15th!!!  Ah!!!!  I am going with Marty, Shannon, and Ashlie.  Its not really a couples trip although it is 2 guys and 2 girls.  It will be fun though.  Marty is seriously such an amazing guy, and I am lucky to be able to go with him!!!!  We are going to an all inclusive resort for 7 days!!!!  OMG!  This is a trip that I have desperately needed, and I am hoping by that time that I will be in bikini shape.  I think I will be!!!!  I have lost 30 pounds since being home, and 4 sizes in my pants.  WOW!!!  I am so happy for myself.  This has definitely been a good year for me so far.  Bring in 2012!!!!!!!

My job could not be more amazing.  I seriously have the best patients ever, and they have literally become my best friends.  I can't believe how close we have become.  I am convinced that I have the best job in the world.  At some point in time, everyone should work for hospice.  Its amazing and you learn so much.

Anyway, not much else going on!!!!!!  Thanks for reading and keeping up with me and Annie.  I love you all so much!!

Mills and Annie