Back to ME again

Hey all,

Its been a few months, I know.  I have been a slacker.  I can say though, that I haven't been wasting my time.  My reason for not writing is very good.  I will catch you up on what has happened since May.  The last post I wrote I believe I mentioned moving back to MT....infact, I think I had just returned from my trip.  Wow, lots has happened!!! After I got home from my trip I started saving my money to move.  I got a second job working the NOC shift at Sunrise Assisted Living and was working days and nights.  At the same time I was trying to save money to move, I was also trying to save for a car.  My best friend Melissa's dad was kind enough to let me drive his explorer for a few months while I was saving and trying to get my credit score up to buy a car.  Can I say I don't know what I would have done without Melissa since I moved home?  Talk about a good best friend.  She is amazing, and has always been there for me thru the tough times.  Anyway, so I finally saved enough money to buy a car, and got one :)  And what was even better was my credit score has gone up 150 points since I moved home.  That really helped my interest rate.  So, my car is a 2011 Chevy Aveo.  Bright blue, my favorite color.  The car totally fits me, and it gets great gas mileage, which is perfect for my job.  I am still working for Rocky Mountain Hospice.  I have been with the company for 10 months now.  I can't believe it has been that long.  Almost a year since I moved back to SLC!  Crazy how time flies.  This year has not been an easy one.  I don't know what hell is like, but I can imagine it is something like the last half of my 2011 year and the first half of 2012.  I look back at the past year and honestly can't figure out how I got thru that.  I must have been carried by some spiritual being, because how I have made it to September 2012, is still a mystery to me.  I am glad I survived it though because my life has become so much better the past few months, and has made me feel so grateful for my trials and the things I have been through.

After I bought my car I continued to save money to move to Billings.  It was stressing me out so much though, that I couldn't sleep.  I was constantly thinking about it and wondering how I was going to save $2500 by October.  One night a few months ago I went to my other friend Melissa's house and we were chatting and she said something that struck me.  She said "Amelia, something that is "right" shouldn't make you feel this stressed out.  You are killing yourself trying to save money.  Maybe its a sign you should wait for a while."  I will never forget those words.  They changed me at that moment, and I have realized since then, that if something is stressing you out SO much, it probably isn't right.  Now, I am not saying by any means that I am not moving back to MT at any point in my life.  I probably will, but the timing has to be right.  I need to finish nursing and continue to recover from my break up with Jason.  Yes, I am still recovering from that.  Although I have come so far, I have realized that I am still going to have hard days.  Those will probably never go away.  When you go thru something as difficult as that, do you ever REALLY recover?  I have come to believe that you don't, you just learn to live with the pain, and it becomes a part of you.  Although other people can't see the wounds, they are there, and they shape you into the person you become.  One song that has really stuck with me this year is "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" by Oasis.  Every time I am having a hard time I listen to this song.  The lyrics have changed my life....

Hold up, hold up  
Don't be scared  
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile  
Shine on  
Don't be scared 
Your destiny will keep you on
 
'Cause all of the stars have faded away  
Just try not to worry, you'll see them some day 
Take what you need and be on your way 
And stop crying your heart out
 
Get up  
Come on  
Why you scared? (I'm not scared)  
You'll never change what's been and gone
'Cause all of the stars have faded away  
Just try not to worry, you'll see them some day 
Take what you need and be on your way 
And stop crying your heart out
 
'Cause all of the stars have faded away  
Just try not to worry, you'll see them some day 
Just take what you need and be on your way 
And stop crying your heart out
We're all of the stars, we're fadin' away 
Just try not to worry, you'll see us some day  
Just take what you need and be on your way  
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out  
Stop crying your heart out 
Stop crying your heart out

That song is amazing.  It taught me that even when you are going thru a hard time, the stars will come back.  You will see them again some day.  You just have to endure the pain for the moment and move on.  That is what I have really tried to do, and at the same time tried to transform myself from the inside out.  I am happy to say that since I moved home I have lost 50 pounds.  WOWZA!  I can't believe it.  I lost 20 right off the bat when I came home (I think that was just stress from the break-up), but the last 30 have been a complete transformation on how I live my life.  My two good friends, Melissa and Chelsea, both compete in body building competitions.  They have been doing this for a while, so by being their friend, I have seen quite a bit of their diet and what they have eaten the past few years.  It always looked so hard to me.  I would have never dreamed about doing a diet like they eat.  Well.....I started it 6 weeks ago and have lost close to 30 pounds.  I am almost down to where I was when I met Jason.  10 more pounds and I am there.  When people see me they can't believe it.  Their jaws drop.  I am finally fitting in pretty much all my old clothes again.  I feel better than ever.  Eating right and working out to me are just a natural thing now.  I have overcome that thing in my head that tells me to eat like shit and drink a ton.  That is gone.  I have completely changed my mind set.  I don't drink anymore, and my eating is very very clean.  I drink a gallon of water a day, and I get up at 5am to workout.  I feel like a new person inside.  Don't get me wrong, I will have my cheat glass of wine, or my cheat meal every so often, but its not every day like it used to be.  I feel like I am in a whole new body.  I feel like I am free of all that crap that was holding me back before, and I am feeling sexy again :)  I am not afraid to go out and meet people, and I actually feel desired!  It's an amazing feeling.  I will never visit that place of lonliness again, where I felt that I wasn't good enough to be loved the way I WANT TO BE and treated with respect.  I will never allow myself to be taken advantage of and lied to ever again as well, and I will never allow myself to be emotionally abused.  I deserve the best, and I will get it.  That's a FACT.  

Anyway, so that has been my life in a nutshell.  Annie adds more to my life than I can even say.  She is amazing, and has helped me thru so much.  I don't know what I would have done without her the past year.  WOW.  Pets really are incredible and have that healing power.  I am hoping to move in November.  I found a 2 bedroom house that is $600 a month!!  It has a back yard for Annie to play in too.  We'll see.  I also sorta have a man....we will see how it plays out, I am stepping in very carefully, but also allowing my heart to guide me.  Love you all....thanks for reading!!!!