The Scientist...

Today as I write I don't even really know where to start.  As I sit here, Annie is sitting right next to me watching me type.  I think she knows I am having "one of those days".  She always knows.  She has been with me thru the fire, and can tell when I am off.  On those days, she doesn't leave my side.  Really, the only thing that explains my feelings today is the song by Coldplay called "The Scientist".  Here are the lyrics....this pretty much sums it up.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start

So there is my story for the day, and I am OK with that.  I have to be ok with it because it is a part of me, and the last 5 years are not going to go away.  I am having one of those days where I have been reflecting again on the past and what actually happened with Jason and I.  I know it has been since September since we have actually been together, and I thought that these days were over with, but I was blind sided today when I started crying while watching "A Perfect Storm" (this was one of mine and Jason's favorite movies).  I am sure I will be "blindsided" a lot when it comes to my past.  And I am sure feelings will come up from time to time.  Today was one of those.  It is so hard living with someone and being with them every single day for 5 years....to nothing.  Not seeing them, talking, texting, NOTHING.  It is the weirdest feeling, I can't explain.  I almost want to see how he is doing and make sure he is ok.  Sometimes I wish he could be in my life in some way.  We went thru so much together, I don't know how I will ever fully get over that experiece.  The last few months I have had a lot of distractions.  In my last post I mentioned a guy that I let go of, and then I have also been seeing someone else for a couple months.  We are friends, but it is still a distraction.  I have eliminated both of them romantically in my life, and now I have no distractions.  Today I felt like the last few months I made no progress and I cried all day.  I am facing it again, and I have nothing to keep my mind occupied.  When will this go away?  Last weekend I went to Tsumani to have sushi with my dear friend Melissa, and all I could think about was Jason.  We went there literally twice a week, and went to the movie theater that is in the same parking lot every Sunday to see a movie.  I had to force back tears the whole dinner.  I asked my friend this questions that night and she was just as stumped as I am...."What happens to couples?  How do you go from being so happy for a couple years, then it all goes away?  What is the trigger?"  She couldn't answer this either.  It is something that I think about a lot though and can't answer.  That is something that I need to deal with.  Not having answers to every question.  Everything happens for a reason, and there are not answers to every question.  All I know is today I am hurting, bad.  I feel so lost, and I don't know where my life is going at times.  The only thing I am sure of is I love my dog, I have an amazing family, I love my job, and I want to be a nurse.  that is all.  Anyway, I hope this post brings you all well.

Amelia

PS....here is Annie watching me type....I love my girl.