New Job for the New Year :)

Good news.  Great news.  FANTASTIC NEWS!!!  I got a job!!  I am now an official employee of Rocky Mountain Hospice.  Isn't it funny that the hospice company that I worked for in Billings was called Rocky Mountain as well?!  But, they are totally different companies, just the same name.  They are paying me $2 more an hour than what I was getting in MT too.  Finally, my experience is paying off.  I am going to start school in the summer, and I will be out of my parents house by March.  Yea!!!  I just need to find a cute place for Annie and I....and our new addition that I will be getting in April.  NO, not a baby, another shih tzu :)  Annie is gonna need a friend while I work full time.  Things are looking up in a big way, and I honestly feel like 2012 is going to be my year.  Oh, and I have lost 20 pounds.  Yes, in 1 month I have managed to do this, don't ask me how.  I am not gonna complain about it though.  Tomorrow I am going to TRY and run 4 miles outside without stopping.  Anyway, so there is the good news.  I love you all!!!

Love,

Amelia

PS....here's the latest of Annie and I :)

Christmas....and NEW year :)

Wow, its been a couple weeks, and I have to say....I have missed writing!  First things first, I have lost 15 pounds.  WHOA!  I am so happy.  I have been working out a shit ton, and training for my half marathon.  Plus, I have really been watching what I am eating and I think that is helping a lot.  I took Christmas off, but other than that I have been eating so good!

Christmas was great.  It was a little hard with this being my first Christmas without Jason....but I am ok.  I am going to be ok.  My family rocks....they are literally what keeps me going these days and I couldn't ask for better people to be blessed with.  I am very fortunate.  It was so much fun watching my nieces and nephews open presents and get so excited over Santa Clause.  Sometimes I wish I was little again and believed in Santa.  Everything was so magical.  On the 23rd we had our big family party.  My mom made a killer dinner (that I didn't eat) and we went on a scavenger hunt around Draper and Sandy.  My brother and his wife hid clues all over the city and we broke into teams and went around to find them.  It was fun.  My team lost terribly, but it was fun anyway :)  We also had "Santa" come visit my niece and nephews that day and they all got to sit on his lap and talk to him.  What a fun day.  On Christmas Eve my whole family went to a movie.  I didn't want to see the one they were seeing, so I went to "New Years Eve" instead.  I have heard horrible reviews about it, but I wanted to see it for myself.  I absolutely loved it.  I thought it sent a great message.  After that we all went to Village Inn and ate dinner.  My niece Savannah and I have become super close lately and we sat by each other and took pictures and laughed the whole time.  I will post some of those :)  She is the bomb, and honestly one of my best friends.  She is so confident and always has a smile on her face.  I have so much I can learn from her.  Who would have thought that you could learn life lessons from a 14 year old?  Anyway, so Christmas was a pretty lazy day.  I got up and helped my mom cook the big breakfast for the family.  My brother came over before everyone too and helped.  It was an amazing breakfast, and definitely worth the "cheat meal".  My brother pulled me aside that day and told me he had a Christmas present for me.  I couldn't imagine what it would be, but when we went upstairs he had a BRAND SPANKING NEW phone that is comparable to the iPhone 4 and he handed it to me and said Merry Christmas.  WOW.  He used it for no more than 2 weeks and decided to go with with iPhone 4, so he just gave it to me.  It is a $700 phone retail.  I about cried!!!  I love it.  I have had the biggest piece of shit phone for the last year, so it definitely put a smile on my face.  I love my brother.  He always comes thru.  He is amazing.  So, Christmas was great.  Lots of family time and games and FUN that I definitely needed.

Yesterday my mom came in my room and woke me up and asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with her. Now, my mom is in awesome shape.  Like she is amazing for her age.  I am not saying she is old by any means, but for near 60 years old she can go outside and bust out 4 miles with no sweat.  So, when she asked me if I wanted to go outside for a workout, I was up for it, but nervous.  WHOA.  That is all I have to say.  It was an hour and a half of the hardest workout of my life.  We walked up to the Draper Temple and then ran home.  Now, the road that goes up to the temple is straight UP.  Needless to say my mom beat me to the top, but I beat her home when we ran :)  My quads and hamstrings were killing tonight at the gym when I was trying to do my normal run.  It is an amazing workout, and one that we will probably do a couple times a week.

So, I have some good news.  Today I picked Savannah up and we went job hunting for me.  She sat in the front seat with my resumes and we brought the phone book, looked up all the hospices in the state of Utah and pretty much drove to every single one and dropped one off.  We went to one called Rocky Mountain Hospice and I went inside to drop off a resume and they interviewed me on the spot!!!  I hope I get it!!!  That would be absolutely amazing, and something that I have been praying for.  Wish me luck!!  Savannah was my little assistant, and we had a blast today.  I love that girl!!!

I am excited for the new year.  I have so many goals in mind.  I can't wait to run my half marathon, and I also want to do the Ragnar Relay again.  I want to get a team together and do it.  I also want to start school and move out by March with my own place for Annie and I.  And last but not least, get out of debt!!!  Those are my goals.  Wish me luck :)  Anyway, all, thanks for taking the time to read.  Love you!

Love,
Mills

PS....I dyed my hair darker.  Not too dark, but just darker.  The platinum is just too much upkeep.  Who knows, I will probably end up going back, but for the time being this works.  You like??

ME TIme.....

I don't know what is wrong with me, but lately all I want to do is stuff alone.  I have been going to the gym a lot, tanning, and the last couple days I have been going to movies alone.  The cool thing is, I am ok with that.  I am actually enjoying my own company, and I am trying to do ME in a big way.  I went and saw "The Sitter" yesterday, and although I love Jonah Hill, the movie was ridiculous.  I was highly disappointed for a Jonah Hill movie.  Oh well though, it was fun to get out and see the new movie theater in Draper.  Today I went on a 3 mile run outside.  I was a little nervous because I haven't ran that far outside forever.  Well, I made it, and I did it pretty fast!!  It felt awesome!  I can't wait for my 1/2 marathon in April.  Tonight I went and saw "The Descendants" with George Clooney.  It was a great movie.  There is something about sitting in a movie theater with a diet coke that makes everything better.  Plus, to stare at George Clooney for 2 hours was ok too :)

So ya, I am ok.  I have come leaps and bounds the last few days.  I realized that I need to be ok with ME before I can be ok with someone else.  So, that is what I am doing, taking the steps to enjoy being by myself and getting Amelia back.  I know she is in there....and she wants to come out!!!  I am also hoping to be in bikini shape by June.  I have lost almost 12 pounds since the 2nd of Dec.  Yahoo!!!  It feels great.  I hope you all have had a great week.  Until next time...

Love,

Amelia :)

PS....I had to post this picture.  It made me smile.

Visiting Old Friends...

So, last night I met up with some friends from Sunrise Assisted Living where I used to work before I moved to Billings.  We went to Applebees and had a drink and chatted about everything.  It was so nice to see them again!  They ordered nachos for an appetizer and I didn't have one!  I totally resisted and I even went to the gym after I left.  Yea for me!  I am on my way to be skinny again.  Anyway, so after I got home I decided to go up to Sunrise to visit some of my old alzhemiers patients that I used to take care of, and to also see some of my other coworkers that worked the overnight shift with me.  It was great to see everyone!  I brought Annie and the patients loved her so much!!  Pet therapy is amazing.  So anyway they are looking for someone to pass meds, so I applied and hope I get it.  My friend also left a note for the nurse recommending me!!  I want this job so bad, and since I have already taken the med class I hope that gets me in!  There is nothing like passing meds to old people.  Its so fun, and you learn so much just by talking to them.  I am praying this week that I get the job :)

Anyway, so today is pretty mellow.  I think since its so cold outside I may go for a run.  I love running in the cold.  I know, I am pretty weird.  So y'all have a good day!!!!

Love,
Mills

Therapy...and a GOOD day :)

So, on Tuesday I went and saw Kent.  Kent has been my therapist since I was 19.  He knows everything about me....and always seems to give me the most sound advice.  He makes me feel safe, and lets me vent to him and cry and he listens.  It was SO good to go see him and tell him what has been going on the last few years.  I was there for almost 2 hours, and he gave me some of the best advice I have ever received.  I know that I need to let go, and I know that I need to heal myself and find love again.  It's going to take a while to heal completely, but I know it will be worth the wait, and he will be there for me every step of the way.  Thanks Kent, for listening to me and I apologize for emptying an entire box of kleenex's. :)

Today rocked.  I got up at 9 to my moms cleaning ladies here and they were so excited to see me.  They have been cleaning my moms house for years, so they are more like family.  After they left, I went to WaterPro to see my mom at work and to see all my old coworkers.  I can't believe how much WaterPro feels like family to me.  I sat and talked to Paige for almost an hour.  While we were there....Annie had one of her throwing up episodes.  Paige is a huge dog person, so she was trying to catch it in a kleenex so it wouldn't land on the carpet!!  My poor girl....she still throws up sometimes, but I think its just acid reflux.  Paige was so cute with Annie, so I went to cafe rio and bought her lunch, and my mom.  We all sat in the back and ate.  After I left WaterPro, I went to Echelon Edge where I went to Esthetics school to get some moisturizer.  Well, I ended up getting a facial!!  Since I am a past student I get facials for $7.  I couldn't pass it up.  It was one of the best facials I have ever had.  Made me miss doing them.  I can't wait to have an esthetics room out of my house!  On the way home I stopped at Jenie's (my moms cleaning lady) to drop off some money and I ended up staying for an hour.  We sat and had a cup of coffee and just chatted.  She has the cutest dogs ever.  I actually took a picture of one, I will post it on here.  He is huge, like a big teddy bear. :) So, anyway now I am home.  I went to the gym and sweat  my ass off, and now Annie and I are gonna watch a movie and go to sleep!  So there is my "good" day.  I know I am going to have set backs, but I also know what I want in life and I am clear.  One of my favorite songs is by Ben Harper and its called "Forever"....here are the lyrice..  These lyrics are exactly how I feel....

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do From you

People spend so much time
Every single day
Runnin' 'round all over town
Givin' their forever away
But no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

Like a handless clock with numbers
An infinite of time
No not the forever found
Only in the mind
Forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

 

I can't wait to have my forever.....and I KNOW it will happen. :)  

Amelia

PS....here is Ceasar....one of the coolest dogs....well, next to Annie.

I'm Gonna Be OK...

It still happens.  I wake up in the morning, and immediately remember that I am home and that I am not with Jason anymore.  Is this normal?  3 months later and I still do this.  Its like I have to remind myself of the present every day.  I have realized this week how much damage has been done to me.  I go thru days, even weeks where I don't cry and I feel great....then I have a day like I did on Saturday and I cry all day long, and I don't know how I am ever going to make it thru.  I don't know how long it takes to get over a 5 year relationship, but I am willing to go thru the pain to make myself a better person.  Every day I tell myself that when someone asks me "How are you?" I am going to say "Great!", even if I have to fake it.  No one really cares anyway when they ask you.  If I were really to give a straight answer, I am sure I would take up their entire afternoon.  I was feeling a lump in my throat all day Saturday.  I knew that if someone looked at me wrong I would burst into tears.  We went to dinner for my dads birthday, and my sister looked at me and asked me the wrong question at the wrong moment.  I started crying so hard at the table I was uncontrollable.  I left the table and went to the bathroom and stood in the stall and just cried.  When is this going to go away?  When I got back to the table, my brother put his arm around me and gave me a $15 Starbucks gift card and told me to enjoy it.  Just what I needed at that moment.  It was perfect, and I was reminded of why I came home.  Moments like these.  As we were leaving my 14 year old niece came up to me and said "You need a hug!" and squoze me.  I love these moments, and they are what get me thru the day.  I love my mom and dad.  They are so good to Annie and I, and even thru my ups and downs they understand and don't push me.  So, in the words of Avril Lavigne "I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, I don't know what to say, tomorrow, tomorrow Is a different day."
Love,
Amelia

PS....this little bugger helps get me thru....

Home... :)

Well, I made the big move over the weekend.  I can honestly say it was a bittersweet moment.  The friends I have met in Billings are some of the closest friends I have ever had, including all my Utah friends.  Bonnie and Jolynn will always have a special spot in me.  They are truly my best friends!!  Saying goodbye to both of them was terrible.  I have never cried like that.   I know this is for the best though, so it made it a little easier.  Driving out of town was so hard.  When I pulled on I-90 to come home, I started bawling.  Annie was in my front seat and she hopped over and just started licking my face!  I have had so much happen in my life the last year, I am ready to stop the change.  I feel like everything has been changing for me and sometimes its hard to deal with.  It will be ok though....I WILL BE OK!!!!

Anyway, so my dad and his friend Jeff Burger came with a trailer last Thursday and we packed and then headed home Friday morning.  I stayed up til nearly 5am that morning trying to get my apartment cleaned so that I would get all my deposit back.  It worked, because I got every penny back!!!  Whoo hoo!!!  Its been great being home though.  We are still trying to get settled, but its exciting.  Not gonna lie....I love my mom and dad, but it still is not easy coming back home when you were practically married for 5 years.  It will be ok though, and I am going to do ME in a big way.  I need to get healthy, and I am running my half marathon in 16 weeks!!  Yea!  Things are good.  Life is good.

Amelia

Change....

Hey all,

Just a warning...this is kind of a depressing post.  I don't know what happened today, but it all hit me.  I don't know if its because I started packing my things...or what, but I have been in tears all day.  Last year at this time, Jason and I were moving into our new apartment, and now I am moving out all by myself.  It is so crazy to me, and something that I am having hard time comprehending, that I may never see Jason's face again.  It is so weird, and something I hate even thinking about.  This will be my first holidays in 5 years without him.....and I am not gonna lie, this is not easy.  Some days I feel on top of the world, and others I cry my eyes out and don't know if I am going to make it.  I miss him.  There, I said it.  I miss him.  I have been trying to be so strong and not "feel" a lot of things, but in the back of my mind I feel like I still hurt so much.  Only sometimes do I let myself feel what I need to though.  Gotta stay strong...

Anyway, so the last week has been great.  I only have a week left with my hospice patients and it makes me so sad.  I am just so sad to leave everyone here.  This is definitely going to be a hard move.  Last week I went and saw one of my favorite nurses Barb.  She lives in Laurel right where my last patient lives, so I stopped by afterwards.  She and I had a blast!  We sat and chatted for a couple hours.  What a special woman, I am going to miss her.  Later that day the Licensed Massage Therapist that works at Rocky Mountain came up to me and gave me her information for a reference.  She told me that a wonderful CNA I am and that she is honored to give me her reference.  WOW!!!  It brought me to tears.  So many people are reaching out to me and I feel like one lucky girl.....Annie and I both :)

Love,

Amelia

2 Weeks Notice

So, today I put in my 2 weeks notice at both my jobs.  It was terrible.  I said goodbye to some of the best patients a CNA could ask for.  Although I will be working for a couple more weeks, it is now real to me that I am leaving.  Ugh.   Sometimes when I see my friends and talk to people I want to stay in Billings.....but then I know it is the right thing to come home.  This is not going to be an easy move.  One of my patients tonight took my hand and said a prayer with me.  I told him I was moving back to Salt Lake and about what was going on and he took my hand and prayed for me outloud.  It was so nice, it brought a tear to my eye.  It was one of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard.  It's the little things that count. 

I was gone from Annie for a while today, so I hired a babysitter to come sit with her.  I know, I am sure some of you are thinking "why the hell would you hire a babysitter for a dog?".....but Annie is worth it to me.  She is my girl.  Plus, she is in heat and not feeling too well, and I couldn't leave her alone thru work.  So yeah, today I made a big step by saying goodbye to some people and putting my 2 weeks in.  Its makes it harder if you love your job and you don't want to leave!  Love you all, thanks for listening.

Love,

Mills and Annie

This Little Thing Called Life

I can't believe it is almost Thanksgiving 2011.  If anyone of you would have told me last Thanksgiving that the events that have taken place in my life the last few months were going to happen, I would have laughed and said "yeah, right.".  But they have, and life does that to you.  There never is any guarantees.

Now, I promise to not make this the "sad depressing break-up blog entry", because today I am grateful, and I think I will write about it today.

I moved to Billings, MT 1 year ago with my boyfriend Jason.  This state is absolutely beautiful.  I have loved every second I have spent here, and have met some irreplaceable friends.  I got a job as a CNA 4 days after I moved here, and have fallen in love with all my patients!  As a CNA at Billings Health and Rehab., I also met some of the most amazing nurses I have ever known.  I want to be just like them when I become a nurse one day.  Although Barb and Aurora are not reading this, I want you to know how much I have learned from you and how much I love you.  I hope to be a nurse just like you one day, and I will never forget you.

Jason and I decided to split in July, and although it was on and off for the last few months, he came and got his stuff last Sunday.  I can honestly say that this has been the most trying time in my life, and I have learned more about myself in the last 3 months than I thought I ever would.  Jason and I were together for 4 1/2 years, and from those years together I now know that love exists, and am excited for the future.  He will always be a huge part of my life, and will hold a space in my heart that no one can ever take away.  He is also one of the best people I know.  I have realized that when a break-up occurs, so many emotions go thru your body.  You go thru times where you are mad, in denial, sad, and then I think you get to the point where you accept it, and all of the things you fought about or were angry about before, don't matter anymore.  You don't think about how they snored, or how they didn't put the dishes in the dishwasher, or how they were a bad driver.  You think about all the reasons why you spent time with that person and all the reasons why you love them.  In my case, I am grateful.  I feel so grateful to have met such an amazing man who I got to call my other half for the last near 5 years.  I have learned more from him than I think any human being in my life.  I am a better person because of this relationship, and I can't wait for the future.  I am not gonna say that there weren't days that I cried so bad that I threw up,  or that I wasn't angry, because I was.  But now, I can look back and smile because I know that Jason and I spent the last 5 years growing in love and in our own loves that is all I need.

I decided in July, right before Jason and I split, that I wanted to work for hospice.  I absolutely love the health care field, and I thought that hospice would be a great direction for me and a way for me to learn so much.  Let me tell ya, it has been the best experience of my life.  I am not a religious person by any means, but I do believe in God, and I believe that he puts people in your life at the times you need them most, because he knows the gifts they have and how they can help you.  Every single one of my patients that I have taken care of have made the phrase "someone always has it worse", actually be shown to me.  To Jim and Darcy, I love you guys!!!  Although your life is ending, you will forever be in my heart and I love you guys so much.  You got me thru one of the toughest times in my life and always made me feel special everytime I was around, even when you were in so much pain.  Even when you didn't know it, you were being an example to me.  I will always love my friends at Rocky Mountain Hospice and Billings Health and Rehab.

To my friends in Utah, I am coming back.  After a few months of trying to decide where my life is going, I have decided to move home.  This has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.  I  have struggled with money and need to save money and be around family and friends thru this hard time in my life.  I have not had a hug from my dad in almost a year.  I haven't seen my nieces and nephews and I am sure they have all grown so much!!!  I can't wait to see my friends and family, and to finish nursing in Utah.  It is going to be great.  I will be home a few days after Thanksgiving.  I love you all and can't wait to see you!!

So that is my life as of today.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I have been with the most amazing man in the world for that last 5 years, I have such a wonderful family in Utah, but I also have an amazing family in Billings.  One person I have not mentioned in this blog is my Annie girl.  I always heard that animals were the best therapy, but it wasn't until now that I believe it.  Annie has been there for me thru the most difficult times of my life.  I love her more than anything.  She has licked so many tears off my face, and comforted me when I was not ok.  She will always be my baby girl.  I can't wait for life ahead.  I love you all...

Love,
Mills